Two Married At First Sight grooms are pulled back from each other during an ugly altercation after a row breaks out when one of the men looms above the other’s wife during a completely unrelated but still heated argument.
It wouldn’t be a Monday night without one MAFS fight snowballing into seven.
The clash really escalates when Jake steps in and argues with Bryce about the nuance of sitting versus standing when fighting with someone. Controversial opinion: During arguments, I prefer to lay on the floor — it really throws people off.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Cruel stunt stuns devastated MAFS wife
Looking for new and inventive ways to cause drama, the producers ship off all the couples for a weekend retreat and this show is now basically Bachelor In Paradise but with individual wine carafes instead of a communal frozen daiquiri machine.
How thrilling! Who knew we’d be so jazzed about this getaway? We’re actually buzzing with excitement! Oh, wait. That’s not us buzzing. It’s Alana’s vibrator.
Side note: Why does Jason always look like a toddler who has just woken up from a really long nap?
Producers have tried to class up this getaway by booking a heritage homestead in New South Wales’ Southern Highlands. They probably lied to the owners about the purpose of this trip and who exactly would be in attendance. Can you imagine being the posh rich owners of this grand estate and flipping on the TV only to see the MAFS freakshows lying in your beds? Ruining the good linen with their sweaty bodies and fake tans. What a nightmare.
Of course, the instant the fleet of Taragos pulls up, the couples jump out and run inside — bounding down the hallways and bumping into the antique artwork. The owners should just accept the fact right now that at least one of these artworks is getting projectile vomited on by the end of this trip.
Proving they’re never asleep at the wheel, producers shove Bryce and Melissa into the same sleeping quarters as Bec and Jake. Chaos ensues!
“I don’t wanna hang around these two. They’re #FakeNews. Let’s go have some actual fun,” The Sasshole lashes out and we don’t know why she’s talking like a character in Puberty Blues.
Meanwhile, in the hot tub, Patrick is professing his almost-love for Belinda.
“You just make me super happy. I wanna protect you and be there for you,” he says as the murky water bubbles up around both their faces. “And if I lose you and you go to someone else, that would hurt. I’m falling for you.”
She purses her lips.
“Hmmm,” she replies. “Thanks for sharing … like, um … I can’t imagine our life not together.”
If only her response was as lively as her bedazzled hat.
The sun begins to set in the Southern Highlands and our troupe of misfits descends on the immaculate back garden for afternoon tea. The place is landscaped to perfection and we just know it’s hours away from being trashed. Bryce will pick a fight with everyone and then get so angry he pushes over a water feature and then The Sasshole will probably rip one of the nearby ficuses out of its pot and hit him with it.
Mel Schilling explains the very scientific strategy behind this soon-to-be feral gathering.
“By letting their guards down and being open with each other, our couples have the opportunity to broach sensitive subjects and offer opinions into the dynamics of each other’s relationships,” she says.
Translation: By locking the couples on a remote property with unlimited free alcohol, they’re given the opportunity to get so messy they end up insulting each other and embarrassing their families on national television.
Melissa and Bryce roll up late and Patrick provides the perfect kindling for a blaze of drama.
“How are you Melissa? After Bryce wrote ‘leave’ and scribbled it out and wrote ‘stay’, how you been?” he inquires.
What a fun subject! We love when Patrick embraces his inner sasshole.
Melissa gives the same ol’ response she always wheels out when she’s defending Bryce and, almost like clockwork, Bec morphs into The Sasshole.
“As long as there was an apology because, my god, that was disgusting behaviour,” she snips. “It just so happens Melissa ended up with the biggest douchebag on the show.”
Jake steps in to make a truce that all the badmouthing will end and then we cut to Patrick to see if he would like to ask any more questions.
Bryce asks Jason to go for a walk because apparently they’re best friends and then Jason’s wife Alana starts dishing to the group about how she can’t believe Jason would even consider being mates with Bryce — and all of this is happening in front of Bryce’s wife Melissa. Jeez. So inconsiderate. If you’re going to trash-talk people, have a little decency and do it behind their backs and wait until their spouse leaves. Rude.
When Melissa finds Bryce and tells him the group broke the truce, all bets are off. Bryce fumes about it for the rest of the afternoon and then makes a dramatic entrance at the dinner party, where he looms above the table and points his finger at Bec.
“I had my wife in tears, Rebecca, because of you!” he spits as Bec shifts in her seat.
Then Jake steps in to argue with Bryce about his aggressive looming but it just ends with both the boys attempting to loom over each other until the other husbands intervene and separate them.
When Bryce storms out, the attention turns to Jason, with everyone questioning why on earth he’s even friends with Bryce. Alana has let slip to the group that Jason privately told her he supports Bryce and thinks his decision card stunt at last night’s commitment ceremony was — wait for it — “heroic”.
“Do you not have your own values?” Bec scrunches her face.
“Do you?” we ask.
Bryce looks at Bec like he’s just woken up from a nap again.
Jason can’t believe Alana would tell the group the details of their private conversation. It’s honestly despicable. It was a confidential discussion between a man and his wife and the camera crew that were in the room and all of Australia who watched it on TV. Honestly, what happened to respect?
“In front of the whole group, you threw me under the bus. This is, once again, a situation that proves I can’t trust you,” he fumes to her in their bedroom. “Write ‘leave’ (at the next commitment ceremony). Promise me you’ll write ‘leave’. You will never see me again after this!”
Wow. Way harsh, Tai.
Right now, amid the chaos and the crumbling relationships, we’ve never related more to Booka: